I cannot be at work anymore. My mind is racing back and forth. I’m dying inside and no one is here to comfort me.


God I’m so sorry. 

I messed up. I’m in pain. God I’m so sorry. 

I cannot breathe 

I can’t speak 

I can’t sleep

I can’t eat

I’ve been shaking for the past three days! 

I pray to god everything will be okay. 

I can’t focus at work.. I’m left to think so this is why I’m typing. 

I wish I expressed how I felt sooner. 

Now I truly know where my heart is. I need my best friend back. My lover we did everything together. 

God help me. I’m stressing. I keep saying I can’t breathe. My chest is tight. My heart is racing. Why me!? For the longest time I’ve asked why me!

I am struggling 

I am hurt

I am heartbroken 

My best friend, my lover… Finally gone. 

I have no one left, all I have is my mind and those crazy thoughts. 

My heart has been racing for the past three days… Why me!? Why now? After all this time. I’ve worked so hard to get to where I’m at. And I was just breaking down my wall for my lover to love again. 

My heart feels like it’s going to fall out of me. My mind is racing back and forth, over and over again how badly I wish I could start over. I feel as if I cannot breathe. I am not ready for this to be over I was just getting started. My love for my lover will never fade away after everything we’ve been though. After all the times my lover had stuck by my side, my darkest times… This is hard. My heart cannot take it, I am in a hole I cannot get out. I keep telling myself over and over again it’ll be okay and pray to god that he comes home for the last time and the right time. 

I believe in this love more than anything else that I’ve ever had. I’ve had enough heartache and I’m ready now to kee moving forward. 

I can’t breathe.

I can’t sleep.

I can’t think right.

My passion for fitness has been declined because my heart hurts. 

My heart hearts.

I can’t breathe. 

God help me. Show me the light. Show me that everything will be okay. I can’t let go. I believe in this love so strongly. My heart has been in it since day one. I know things can be good. I know who my lover is deep down. He’s kind, gentle, caring, passionate, happy, loving, everything that I’ve needed in my life. He was and will always be my better half. 

I can’t breathe. 

I feel so angry because I had been searching for my answers and I’ve found it when my world is crashing around me.

You know when you just believe in someone so much you never think they’ll fail you again!? Then they fail you… and you ask yourself why me? Why can’t I just let go? How much longer until they change? How can I keep living my life this way? Why me? Why me!? Why am I struggling to deal with the effects of dating someone who is a addict. What is so broken in my household that I had to go out and find someone with some sort of problem? Things are way different from what they were a year ago but I’m still wondering when I’ll ever feel like myself again. Will I ever? Will I always have problems in future relationships? 

Unanswered Questions 

I’m just struggling with things falling into place.. One second of everything is perfect, the next.. horrible. I guess that’s life right!? I can always ask “why me?” “Why did I have to go through this?” “Why am I the one getting screwed over at work?” “Why am I the one with the broken heart?” “Why am I always breaking hearts?” These questions really mean noting because all that matters is how I handle it all and let me tell ya I have t been the best at keeping calm or handling something the right way. I’m usually the scared one who never says anything, usually the one to let things side, have it all boil up so that when I blow over everyone looks at me crazy like everything is actually all my fault. How am I supposed to handle being 22? Life seems so complicated at the moment and I’m just waiting for it to get easier. I want to travel/explore, make new friends also while keep those I love close to me. How will I feel in five years? Will any of this matter? What about ten? Will I have a family? Will my heart heal? These are all unanswered questions I probably should stop worrying about, us cancers seem to do that.. Power trip.

Younger Years W/ Addicts

You know I was so worried about my love life and also being affected by someone who was a drinker. I didn’t realize addiction was alive and well in my own household. I’ve got a brother who’s been addicted to pills. Every morning I hear my dad screaming at him to get out of bed. Well the sad part is there is nothing we can do for him. Everytime we help him with something maybe even as small as cooking him macaroni and cheese he just gets one more thing handed right to him. I’ve learned addicts lie to get what they want and will manipulate you in to believing something that could be the complete opposite. I’m 22 years old I have a mom who is addicted to gambling and a brother who cannot function without narcotics and this is not how I wanted to live my prime years… Going to support groups, al-anon work the steps to understand how I can better my self and understand the addict, this all started because I fell in love with a older man who would lie right to my face, make me feel little and worry me sick. I need to walk away. I need to walk away from my brother. I need to understand I am powerless over any drug or alcohol. It’s up to the addict to want to change, I’m afraid it’s too late for my parents they have given up so much time and money to help my brother out when he needs to figure it out on his own. Just like the addict wants the help the friend or family member needs to seek for help as well. In other words us the friend, lover, or family member might have it worse than the addict. The addict has it easy because they are not worried about anything else other than getting what they want and that being a bottle or some sort of pill or needle.