Trying not to fall off the blogging train. I’m just laying here thinking about how crazy it is to me that my younger cousin who just turned 21 is engaged to her boyfriend and she complains about having no girl friends and hasn’t even been to Disneyland. Like is she ready? What’s the rush!? I’m over here trying to make up my mind about two different men in my life. I feel like I can honestly say I love them both and I cannot seem to let go. Do I run back to a 38 year old alcoholic who I seem to not ever want to leave when we are having a good time? Or do I try and fix things with someone who’s been with me through everything and is so forgiving for the fact that I feel like I’ll never be able to repay him in anyway? I’m confused. I’ve tried to let go and I did and I feel ready but then again I just love the vibe I have with this 38 year old. I’m constantly hearing “he’s too old” “he’s just saying things to keep you around because that’s what alcoholics do.” I’m confused. And I feel like I’m also cheating myself in a way of not respecting what I know what is right. I’ve been having he hardest time with all of this. I was never one to have my heart broken, I was the one ripping other apart and now here I am trying not to rip my own heart out of my chest because it’s so uncomfortable and tight. I’m the one with the broken heart. People say “never give up on someone you love” I don’t think I believe in that as much anymore because I’m forced to give up because of someone’s actions. I can’t even begin to think that I should be adding anyone else to the picture. I hear a lot of “go have fun” what in the world is that supposed to mean!? So Does that mean I should be able to see other people? I don’t think I’m so hip to dating others at once I feel too guilty, should I? Am I supposed to do that because I’m 22. I’m just real upset because I feel like I’m missing a big part of my confidence of feeling free and being able to enjoy things. I’m so rapped up in something and someone whol feels good for about three hours and then doesn’t feel good when I’m home alone crying about who I want to spend the rest of my life with.
What’s the rush?